constrained nihilist by autotelic

A smile says it all.

"What kind of smile has she been giving you lately?’ 

This is the text message that I wanted our temporary director to send out to one of my co-workers.  The real boss was on vacation, and for some reason, that none of us understood, my flaky Libra buddy was put in charge of all the therapists. 

He was more than willing to send out the message.

It would make for instant cause and effect.

And lately, there just hasn’t been enough drama.

God I wanted to stir things up. 

We tried to figure out if this would be considered unethical behavior.

Are we messing around with boundaries that aren’t meant to be crossed?

Cause hey, our business is all about maintaining boundaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this actually scandalous?

If the other therapists find out will they think it’s funny, or just frown at me with politically correct eyes?

The director decided that,”The guy will be flattered, even if turns out that he’s not interested in mixing it up with you”. 

How does anyone deal with the frustration of having a crush on a co-worker?

Must I curb my senses once again?

The director said that if I’m not looking to settle down and make babies

then “it probably doesn’t matter if you fuck things up, you can approach this from several different angles, you can cut through the bullshit by telling him that you feel quite a bit of sexual energy around him, and that it’s a distraction that you need to inform him of, cause that way it will be out in the open, game over, no more going home at night and replaying every electric interaction that occurred earlier in the day, veil lifted, last great fuck? Yes, no, maybe?  Russian roulette?  One last thrill ride?  Or God forbid, the work?  The possibility of a real relationship?” 

Or I could just keep my mouth shut, and wait and see if “the guy” takes any initiative by asking me out. 

 I told the director that it would be much more convenient for me to just sabotage the situation as soon as possible in order to avoid playing this beast of desire out.  (Aside:  Yes, I very much want to fuck things up, once again, in order to avoid any confrontations with intimacy.) 

The director reminded me that if things took off I would probably have to keep my smoking habit a secret, because most body workers don’t go near nicotine, certainly this would be an issue, and what about the PMDD?  “Two weeks out of the month you’re a real nihilistic sour puss, and so god-damned anti-life!  Would you be able to pretend that all is well, consistently, just for the sake of a relationship?  And Jesus, all the trauma you’ve known, if he has a healthy relationship with his parents, he’s not going to understand you, do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you get emotionally attached to a guy (who some think is a closet homosexual) that doesn’t think you’re worth the work?  What do you want K?  Do you want to tell him that 2012 is right around the corner, and that you just want to connect one last time?  Are you capable of compartmentalizing?  It could be extremely complicated any way you choose to handle this.  And let’s face it; you are addicted to being alone, and what’s worse, you’re still a romantic!  This sounds pretty dangerous.  And even if you did start a relationship with him, and quit smoking, 6 months down the road, you’d bail.” 

I looked at the director with my bemused, yet serene expression, and said, “Thanks for meeting me for lunch, so that we could discuss this very pertinent matter.  I changed my mind.  Let’s not send that text message.  I have a feeling that the last great fuck isn’t worth chasing after all.”