lifeisbrutallyunfair.com - driving south without a rear mirror

driving south without a rear mirror

_POSTED_BY redstarfist

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

paradise isnt everything by autotelic

I was no longer able to maintain those old friendships

Not with those that spoke of the good trip where fairies abound

Everyone from the past is a mere ghost now

Except for the woman that keeps giving me books

With titles like “Being Nobody Going Nowhere”

My only real form of communication now is with clerks

At the gas stations

And waitresses on the road

In those small towns

They recognize my sigh

As I shrug my shoulders and say

“Times are hard, but boy, this sure is pretty country to drive around in”

I can share the weariness with strangers on the road

And the disillusioned woman from the unenthusiastic Thursday night sangha

I can even talk about the hopelessness

It’s intimate

No extra energy for small talk

Either you know about the struggle

Or you don’t

The people from the past still believe that great change is coming

And if it doesn’t come

They can always collapse back into the demands of the family

But I embody the orphanage

And the wasteland in its purest form

I’m not a romantic

I was never given the luxury of escape

And I’m not running from the big sleep

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anna	\|2008-06-11 21:57:47

Jesus! this is depressingly familiar mental terrain .

Accelerating away from
the past, the functional stops and interactions along the highway and sighs
blowing the tumbleweed around, we're all dust on this road and its pretty hard
gathering it all together when it just trails away on the wind.

It's a
terribly bleak journey but the natural scenery helps.

the pleasantville kid

|2008-06-11 21:38:06

Hey Redstarfist its simply a memorable drive across the desert or whatever if
you ignore the melodrama and emo angst. Quit whining its not like you are forced
to walk the Mojave or anything.

redstarfist

|2008-06-12 03:08:46

I recently took myself off my meds, and I suppose this is a result of it. I
might not know how to have fun with others, but I'm very passionate about
hitting the open road. I could still become a truck driver you know.

As you
get older kid, you might discover that no one really has your back, and if you
ever lose your ideals, expect to lose some friends along the way.

Frank

|2008-06-12 05:21:05

Nothing wrong with truck driving , great way to see the country but with this
peak oil situation going down I see a lot of truck drivers going to the wall
unless we invest in a non oil based fuel and refueling infrastrucure pretty damn
soon.

I think the kid has some shocks up ahead too. He's way too arrogant for
his own good.

sarah

|2008-06-12 06:21:02

this piece by redstarfist has clinical depression written all over it, and when
you have known severe trauma from a very early age, you end up writing stuff
like this when you get older.

My ex was bipolar and borderline, and he was
raised in a very dysfunctional environment, essentially he had no family ties,
he was definitely the most sensitive guy I had ever been with, but every day was
so unpredictable with him, first of all, the whole idea of intimacy was very
foreign to him, he had a very feral energy about him (something that screams out
all over this site) and he was too much of an observer, he didn't know how to
just live, there were land mines everywhere, he was full of triggers, but mainly
he wasn't comfortable here, and suicidal ideation dominated all his thoughts.
Basically it was just too much work being with him. I was completely drained by
the time our relationship ended. It was a real learning experience for me
though. He would probably like this website. I really like all the honest
discourse that takes place here.....and the occasional laughter that goes along
with it.

D	\|2008-06-12 15:16:07

Redstarfish's latest post is a very painful read for me as I relate to the
resignation of that self contained journey on the road and to the problems with
Sarah's ex as her psychological profile of him is not that dissimilar from my
own, I suffer depression and near constant suicidal ideation as the norm I guess
and also find it extremely difficult to interact with others in any meaningful
way as I feel compelled to focus on a lot of the bad stuff going on in the world
and, well, it doesnt make one very popular at parties.

So yeah, if this was
an Alcaholics Anonymous meet, this would be the point where I'd stand up and say
' Hi , my name is Dean and I'm a loner and I'm really not cut out for this life
gig'.

It seems to me if you miss out on the all important familial social
patterning process you're always going to be out of sync with society as if you
miss out on the soc you just end up living in an I-ety.

If you have missed
out on the soc patterning you'llknow it and be able to trace an unbroken
isolated pattern stretching back to the first dawning awareness of your
existence. I am because it hurts.

I've learned to objectify myself and
things and tend to look at the world pretty dispassionately. I know its hard
for people to get on with me as well . Maybe I'll be more social in my next
life.

Anonymous

|2008-06-12 16:29:16

sounds like some of you have been really ripped off by life due to irresponsible
breeding by your parents, if I didn't have parents THAT GAVE A FUCK I wouldn't
be able to explore those other realms where the good fairies dwell either.

Rip	\|2008-06-12 16:45:36

You know what, you guys need to spend some time on a Cancer ward then you'll
know the value of life and understand what suffering is.

REDSTARFIST

|2008-06-13 03:58:45

I'm a hospice worker. I'm a licensed massage therapist. I specialize in
oncology massage. I touch people that are actively dying all the time.

Anna	\|2008-06-13 04:45:07

I dont want to take issue with Rip or people and families devastated by a loss
of a loved one to cancer or anything else but the fact is we all tend to view
death and dying through through our own perspective and experience of life .
Most people probably dont think of death and dying until events force them to,
probably after living pretty fulfilling family lives as well, while others are
acutely aware of these processes and grief at work out there in the world most
of the time. Its possible to grieve over living Rip, a lot of people do.

x

Vinny

|2008-09-09 02:24:28

I wonder if Allen Ginsberg felt this shitty when he finally realized that
Blake's glorious God wasn't worth getting excited about after all.

autotelic

|2008-09-09 03:48:41

major depressives get a really bad rap, people can only take us in small doses,
so it's pretty difficult to maintain friendships; most people fiercely cling to
their delusions, and I've always been pretty useful when it comes to killing
delusions, sort of like a weed whacker, or a pacman, there often isn't anyone
left to talk to on any kind of a consistent basis when all the delusions have
been savagely executed for good.

I have associates that were trained in
rebirthing, and they claim that it's not too late for me to reclaim the
childhood I never had, but I just don't have the faith or will anymore.
Gee........do I sound depressed? I'm probably going to have to get back on
meds. I'll still have to deal with the daily mindfuck of existence, but at
least I won't be crying and grieving all the time. I'll just be a desensitized
passive aggressive humanoid ploughing my way through life knowing full well that
we're all getting old and dying, but somehow it won't matter as much.

At this
point it's pretty senseless for me to continue with all the PMS bullshit and the
emotional exhaustion of a monthly cycle.....a quick trip to the doctor's office
could wipe out that inconvenience.