Order Affective Disorder
_POSTED_BY desik   
Thursday, 01 May 2008

Image
contra conception by autotelic
 

A grey haired troll like woman sits on the step outside the intermediate ward entrance demanding money , cigarettes and a man
She's in the  secure facility  next door  but they let her stray
As they know if they forget her she'll break back in
Her fingers are yellowy brown, she's been burnt  by life  
She confides to visitors she can no longer piss
The ward staff eventually relent and hand her some  bread
The meds clearly arent working
She's still way too conscious
And once she finishes eating she outlines her list of demands again
Then spits on the ground and tells everyone to fuck off
Politely.
The young gay guy at the fence  recently found out he has AIDS
He's on the ward for taking an overdose
He's on a voluntary section
When he arrived he wanted to be here

Now he's not so sure there's any reason to be
He and his lover dress up for the review
They look like they  have plans to flee
The unit's psychiatrist has other plans
He compulsorily sections the man for his own safety

There's no escaping life here either
Alone or otherwise
It's fucking prosecuted relentlessly
In the asylum only the life affirming have the key to the cage
It's a dull closed universe of compliance
Designed to crush those with even a glint of striped rebellion left in their eyes
As proof the broken tygers trudge cosmic patterns around the exercise yard
Erratically clawing at old foes and festering hopes 

A little African woman girl

Skips along playing with  the dolls in her own head

Personalties dimly clash and interact

The depressives tread deep blue water

Standing apart the blonde ward nurse sternly counts her charges
Using the fingers of both hands

In the sunlight
Her ' What Would Jesus Do? ' bracelet sparkles

As a reminder
I think why doesnt she ask him?

He's in the television room

Surfing channels for the big game.

Comments
Anonymous  - AXIS 1- AXIS 2- AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN   |2008-06-17 14:22:01
way too conscious without the meds,
and it's incredibly painful,
my parents
ruined my life,
it's unforgiveable.

looking back on my life I now see how
things could have been so much different, my irresponsible, absent parents are
surely to blame for all the emptiness, pointlessness, and meaninglessness that
has dominated my life ever since I was a child.
Anonymous   |2008-06-17 14:35:50
for some people ruin comes later in life: a messy divorce, financial loss
(community shame), or an unexpected addiction that comes out of nowhere.....but
for some people the ruin comes at the moment of conception, where good intent
isn't present, it's got nothing to do with a sudden mid life crisis brought
about by the demands of society (even tho that definitely heightens tension for
all of us) it's rather a seed that was planted with daddy's goo, he just wasn't
thinking, he wasn't prepared to be a parent. And there's no way to repair this
kind of mistake.
D   |2008-06-17 15:42:29
I'm afraid fucking reproduction is all.

I was abandoned in a garden by my
mother as a kid and placed in care where I suffered abuse. I can understand why
my mother felt unable to cope , I have no bitterness towards her, I dont even
know her .Later my father took me out of care but he was extremely violent and I
soon ended up back in protective care again.

Through this start in life or
maybe just inheriting my parents genes I grew up finding it extremely difficult
to fit in so yes, a moments lust can be transformed into a lifetime of
excrutiating mental anguish and pain , we somehow reproduce our genesis , maybe
even the dynamics of the act of conception, who knows, and we definitely pay for
the mistakes of others . like reaping the bitter harvest of karma, seemingly
unstoppable ruin, destruction and negation from the first interactions of
molecular life.

Life is incredibly unfair and there is no court of appeal
for justice..
Anonymous   |2008-06-17 15:41:46
some people that come from dysfunctional backgrounds do go on to create families
of their own........and then their own children never meet their
grandparents.........i always thought that if I had a child the last thing i
would do is contact my parents about it.
desik   |2008-06-17 15:47:29
I suspect we're damned to reproduce the ruin in others, sure there may be
exceptions to the rule but I just watch the reproductive patterns in life ,
think of any aspect of it and you will see clear evidence of them.
desik   |2008-06-17 15:58:41
Sorry, I meant we're doomed to reproduce ruin if we ignore our own orgins and
the patterns they've unleashed in our own lives. If we dont ignore them we just
get to live with our own ruin. Its obviously not a win-win situation , its a
terrible choice.
bjorn   |2008-06-17 15:56:43
We need a picture to go with this post. Any suggestions?
E from Biloxi   |2008-06-18 02:05:56
how bout something with a stillborn child?
I hear the laments people, wish
there was something i could say to make it better, wish i could help to make
your lives easier, but some people just suffer more than others, i know this
isn't just about having a mid-life identity crisis, i know you guys never got a
lousy break in life, i never got one either, basically my parents shouldn't have
fucked without condoms, you see all types in the ward, but it's the ones that
weren't supposed to be born that can't be consoled.
d   |2008-06-18 08:58:41
Our parents are quite literally in our blood stream and if they were absent or
worse after we were contaminated with their lives then we have some form of
biological negation flowing through our veins rather than the familial imprints
and patterns necessary for purposefully embracing reproductive life.

It's as
if something at the molecular level recognises the hopelessness of the social
situation at conception and birth and aborts crucial developmental processes
necessary for healthilly surviving in the culture.
Anonymous   |2008-06-18 06:15:33
stunning realization, talk about a retrospective!
desik   |2008-06-18 09:02:53
there are theories around claiming some crucial developmental genes get
switched off through trauma , guess its not so much of a leap to see something
at that level being more finely attuned to respond to other kinds of feedback
sarah   |2008-06-18 17:43:12
my deepest deepest condolescences for the loss of your birthright.....suddenly
you're 40, and you realize that there was a never a family to help go through
the stages of life with: no childhood development, no parents to process all the
changes of the teenage years, no parents to help support or guide you through
the college years, no parents to help plan the wedding, or welcome the birth of
a child, no parents to help face crisis with, like a divorce or an illness,
healthy families experience all these stages of life together, and to be robbed
of that is nothing short of criminality. I know how difficult it is to realize
that it's too late to recreate healthy development when the cycle has passed and
it only comes once.
desik   |2008-06-18 18:00:24
Jesus, that list could go on and on Sarah, those are really important
developmental milestones, you know, you could even add support with acceptance
that its too late to live the dream.
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