lifeisbrutallyunfair.com

gravity

_POSTED_BY redstarfist

Thursday, 11 September 2008

something happened on the way to the grave by autotelic

Something happened on the way to the grave,

I got scared,

Fear has always been a natural state for me,

But this was fear to the power of pi.

Oh shit, there is no collective family burial site,

Not even sure the county buries the feral anymore.

I won?t be buried, I won?t have a funeral.

What is to become of this matter that can?t be destroyed?

Please, I implore thee!

Tell me that consciousness will end!

I?m fucking ancient.

I?ve been around way too long.

We don?t have the resources to organize a community of indigents.

Slow down, breathe.

What did Charles Bukowski always carry in his back pocket?

(The same thing that I?ve always carried around too)

Hey, extreme consolation is better than no consolation at all.

But please, I implore thee,

Tell me that consciousness will end.

I?ve been severely affected by all the suffering in the world.

All rebirth is contaminated.

I don?t want to come back.

I don?t have the stomach to witness anymore.!

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hank	\|2008-09-11 14:54:33

i know Henry Chinaski carried around a half empty bottle in his back pocket to
deal with rejection , i'm not so sure about the limits of consciousness though
as it may well be eternal and the basis for eveything there is

jillian - classic capricorn drama

|2008-09-11 15:39:15

hmmm......sounds like a capricorn wrote this

how about one last great
fuck?
this fiery aries girl is around if you want to share some feminine cries
and whispers, you owe yourself a break girl!

Devon

|2008-09-11 15:45:09

you just need to wake up in a bed other than your own, even if you're no longer
a romantic, and especially if consciousness is terminal, you need to get out of
your head for awhile

pink triangle - pinkerton

|2008-09-11 17:03:59

people that have known chronic loneliness most of their lives sometimes have an
irrational obsessive fear of death, they just don't want to be even lonelier
next time around......but all humans eventually have to say goodbye to their
attachments, whether it's their pets, families, or lovers, and I believe that
the well adjusted members of our society will eventually know this fear and
awareness of aloneness at some point, but in the meantime, they can probably
avoid it if their anchors and security blankets are ever present....it's
probably not such a bad thing to come to terms with isolation, and consciously
try on a daily basis to lose the fear of death, it's all about reigning in the
monkey mind. Eventually separation visits all living creatures.

jet	\|2008-09-11 18:03:08

the worry that death is not the end is greater for some of us than the fear of
physical death and loss , its another harowing paradox of being that may well
play on our fears forevermore. in contrast, that last great fuck looks pretty
inviting because it would be so perfectly shortlived

thepleasantvillekid - against cynicism and negativity

|2008-09-11 18:54:37

Jillian
Gas prices are down, stocks and shares are rising again and it looks
like things are on the mend so spare us your negativity and get a life before
you start worying about death and if the hunt for that ' last great fuck ' ,as
you put it, isnt working out why not contribute to the growth of the economy
and buy a vibrator , a good American one from a firm that doesnt outsource work
to China or Mexico and post a pic of you using it as a picture would definitely
be worth more than a thousand whining words in your case.

autotelic

|2008-09-12 02:48:48

oh brother......the pleasantville kid is still around, i suppose it's the
little things that give life some occasional flavor. I was on the
trail today rollerblading, and suddenly I look up and there's this guy
coming towards me on a bike, he looked like some Italian Olympic athlete,
and I just stopped in my tracks and go "wow!", with my eyes popping out of my head, the guy stopped for a minute after
he passed me, he turned around and smiled and I gave him 2 thumbs up
like a total nerd. It was fun. I haven't flirted in years, nothing
happened after that, we continued on our way, but I could tell the guy
was flattered, I definitely felt like I was in high school
again.......so maybe that's as good as it gets, the last great fuck, so
shortlived, but just being in that situation sparked some kind of
life force deep within me....even though I'm no longer a romantic.

thepleasantvillekid

|2008-09-12 03:58:39

don't want to put a damper on the party mood around here, but I saw you had a
quote by Rollo May under the realty check that said "depression is the
inability to construct a future". Could that be the real problem here? I'm
sure it was very endearing for autotelic to smile at a hot stranger in the midst
of her suicidal ideation, but jesus man, there has to be more to life than this!
I think you probably are an eternal romantic, and I bet you suffer from the
cinderella complex terribly. Sorry, but random distraction does not give life
meaning or flavor. I bet you spend most of your time daydreaming when you're
not thinking about ageing and dying alone. So please, no more talk about being
the master of delusion execution.

anna	\|2008-09-12 09:10:46

Autotelic's account of lust on the trail left me glowing - just wish I could
still turn heads!

The kid as usual left me cold though , I'm sure he's a
frustrated romantic and fellow depressive too uptight to admit that this is why
he keeps coming back here.

autotelic - the sound of music

|2008-09-12 15:08:38

the kid isn't aware of the ominous undertones, some of us here are former
hardcore romance junkies, and over the years we have become autistic and very
unsure about our ability to get involved in real intimate relationships, cause
time has shown us that real relationships just don't measure up to the
delicious fairytales we have constructed and bought into hook line and sinker
during our youth, so in essence, we don't take real risks, we remain eternal
flirts, of course it's frustrating, it's a half-assed way of choosing both
roads, which means we choose no road...i watched wings of desire again the other
day, and I thought, no, is it true, that we must finally get serious about love?
I'm really on the fence about this. I don't want to keep buying into the myth
every time I'm given a sign that finding a life partner is the answer. I'm very
weary of these rescue fantasies, and yes kid, I do spend a fair amount of time
daydreaming, the difference is I no longer try to act out my fantasies with
other people. Of course I have a desperate heart, still scheming about
manifesting the ultimate connection, but it stops at the dream, however, I see
no harm at giggling like a school girl when I see Adonis on the trail. So maybe
a big part of me is still addicted to that first shy smile, and the tender story
lines that go along with it. Because I never had any stability in life I will
probably always look for ways to recreate safety, security, and innocence in my
imagination.

debs	\|2008-09-12 16:20:53

the autistic angle is the kicker, some of us simply de-sensitise to cope with
our lifelong failure to bond generally, we dream about and from time to time
flirt with the romantic ideal but experience the reality of physical contact as
burdensome and depressing as the diminishing returns are felt immediately in
ways that are signiicantly different to the norm.

Anonymous

|2008-09-13 03:31:33

I agree, the diminishing returns are immediate, and it's a sensibility that
becomes known to us the longer we inhabit this place, but yes, from time to
time, we do flirt with the romantic ideal, still knowing that if we actually
choose a road (with another), things will become overwhelmingly complicated as
soon as contact is made.

I always loved the song "Goodbye To Love" by
Karen Carpenter.

Anonymous

|2008-09-13 04:06:16

And there are those that will ask, "Is this something you want to work
through by actually getting deeply involved with another person?
The work,
think of all the exhilarating work you can do with your twin soul, every
experience you've ever had will direct you to the relationship of a lifetime,
things will never be the same. Stay open and get ready for the thrill ride
you've always dreamed of, oh it will be challenging, and you might question why
there has to be a commitment, but this my friend makes life worth living, you
will reach unheard of realms of intimacy if you just give it a chance". (a
therapist actually said this to me!!!!!!!!!!)

I'm not sure relapse is such a
good thing. And God knows there have been countless hospitalizations every time
I actually gave "close intimacy" a shot. I just want to know where the
malebots are being manufactured, where is the biggest variety, and when will
they be ready to purchase?

don	\|2008-09-13 05:02:12

Having faith is a crucial requirement of intimacy and life has made some of us
pretty faithless. I wish it wasnt so as the work appeals to my every molecule .

frank

|2008-09-13 05:06:58

karen carpenter was probably my twin soul..

autotelic

|2008-09-13 16:26:22

they say that nostalgia is the new black, I can't stop thinking about my early
years lately.....I remember everything, and I just watched Skateaway by Dire
Straits and Time Passages by Al Stewart on youtube. Next up? Thunder Road by
Bruce Springsteen.
I definitely have a thing about earlier music, Jesus, I even
watched the video for that song "You, you've blown it all sky high, without
a reason why, you could have touched the sky, you've blown it all sky high."
Cheesy video!

anna	\|2008-09-13 16:57:32

We can flee the present to the past or future but when there are psychological
impediments on looking ahead we naturally gravitate towards ' Yesterday Once
More'. It's the sudden cold sweat intrusive cascading memories that get me but
nostalgia isnt all bad and you reminded me of 'Year of the Cat ' I think many of
those songs were invested with a little hope or the times seemed a bit more
hopeful even if things werent that much different on the personal level.

autotelic

|2008-09-13 17:19:19

Year of the Cat is just incredible, beautiful piano....
I think the reason why
I keep reflecting on earlier years is because there was a time when it wasn't so
apparent that civilization is slipping away at such a rapid rate, the loss of
animal species is what kills me the most, environmental grieving, it's so
difficult to think about the polar bears struggling to find ice.

Yesterday
this guy pulled up next to me in a parking lot and he had one of those bumper
stickers that said "Got Hope?", and I was just sitting in my car with my
head in my hands thinking about hope and faith when he pulled up. I had my
window rolled down and I said, "it must be so much easier to get through the
day when you've got hope." He nodded, gave me a sympathetic smile and
walked away to meet friends at a nearby cafe.

anna	\|2008-09-13 20:41:07

beautifully telling post autotelic - the parking lot finale had me humming the
Eagles 'Sad Cafe' . You know, those bumper sticker philosophies seem to work
incredibly well for some people enabling them to spiritually plaster over the
fact that life is fundamentally tragic . Think Nostalgia deserves a pic post of
its own

jillian

|2008-09-14 04:04:13

nostalgia for things that never were, I think you can certainly work that one!

TPK	\|2008-09-14 04:57:50

well if you're going to do a piece on nostalgia for things that never were make
sure you let us know how you feel about concepts like affection expressed. Let
me guess, it both captivates and repels you. Just don't expect to find an
understanding audience from those of us that weren't robbed of a loving,
supportive, stable childhood.

RFist

|2008-09-14 05:49:57

right.........as John Lennon said 'I found out'.

It was a bit of a
shocker for me to discover that most of the people that I
once considered friends weren't ever capable of understanding me
because, well, they had fond memories of growing up, and everything was
very organized and well taken care of for them. Their parents were
conscious and responsible. I was never raised by consistent adults. If we
take a good long look at a person's entire history of trauma, then
it's really not very considerate to accuse anyone of negativity if we
haven't ever had the misfortune of having to walk in his or her shoes.
The anti-negativity camp is pretty fucking fascist and often very ill
informed about why "the dark ones" come to their conclusions
about human nature at its worst. People that don't have any real experience with hardship, utter
aloneness, or childhood abandonment have a very difficult time knowing
how to cultivate or express genuine compassion, even though they might
have always been quite comfortable with the niceties of
affection expressed. So basically you can see the story unfold, the
person that had available loving parents might say to me "hey man, why
don't you trust in affection expressed"? and I would reply by
saying, "hey man, why aren't you more compassionate?"

DOS - No One Gets Out of Here Alive

|2008-09-14 06:51:09

We definitely ALL have to stuff to work out while we're here. I think I've been
too close and dependent on my parents for emotional support my entire life, and
I fear that I won't be able to cope with existence once they pass, that's my
stuff, not sure it's any easier or more difficult to deal with than what some of
you have to face, but we all have shackles.

rob	\|2008-09-14 08:36:25

maybe its an exaggeration to predicate healthy childhood development and the
ability to successfully navigate and thrive in the adult world on one's
socialisation at the breast but is it too much to expect people who experience
no great problems dealing with human intimacy to understand how kids who are
deprived of consistency in physical contact , meaningful trusting relationships
and/or guidance might find such social interaction difficult , painful or
just totally fucking impossible to deal with.

JJ	\|2008-09-14 08:29:05

i'm one of those developmentally nostalgic for what i've never had and i'm never
going to get and sure my weltenschung isnt overly positive , i realise that but
i'm not blind either, emotional security, stability and the ability to
meaningfully attach arent biological givens, we learn to do this stuff in early
life, or at least cover the basics , only some of us dont get the chance to yet
we still grow up to understand its behaviour expected of us . thats some
existential bind to be in and i guess this kind of developmental nostalgia is a
form of retrospective and ongoing needs assessment those from more stable
backgrounds just dont want to acknowledge as having any validity.

autotelic

|2008-09-14 14:42:42

and this is what happens when you get to the stage in life where a retrospective
is called for: you reach an impasse with those you once knew, but you also
discover that once you start processing the PTSD and are able to articulate the
reasons why you went through various stages, and you understand with pin point
precision why you have displayed certain types of behaviour over the years you
start to attract people that are more open and capable of understanding where
you're coming from, and you start asking the right questions of others in order
to understand them better too. So, in some ways getting older is a beautiful
thing, as it teaches us how to communicate with others more effectively, and
getting to know others is much more satisfying as we get older. (hmm. did I wake
up on the optimistic side of the bed today?)

jillian - photgraphs and memories

|2008-09-14 15:22:00

in my youth I would try to get to know people without even asking about their
family history, so much confusion resulted from this....now it's one of the
first things I try to get the skinny on

jj	\|2008-09-14 16:07:23

the less optimism there is the more we should value it when it winks at us
through the gloom but yeah, acknowledging the need for a Grande Retrospective
rather than just succumbing to the cyclical patterns has to be a positive thing,
even if the self exploration itself seems circular at times, as is looking at
other people's backgrounds for common themes or even a group dynamic.

quentin

|2008-09-14 16:10:05

when are you losers ever going to learn to live in the forever now?

jillian

|2008-09-15 02:12:57

when we finally score that last great fuck

Jillian - how soon is now?

|2008-09-15 02:17:58

and though it might seem like an unattainable goal for some of us, I do think
it's still realistic

admin #2

|2008-09-15 02:51:40

now is probably a good time to close the thread and move on....don't want to be
accused of craving that last fuck the way a junkie looks for a last fix

Vinny

|2008-09-15 14:54:37

Hey PKid:
Things are on the mend?
Hope you weren't looking to The Lehman
Brothers to help with your inflated confidence.

admin

|2008-09-16 07:59:55

the brothers lehman obviously missed the trapeze exchange and one wonders how
many more times the big top audience will express shock and gasp at failing acts
before they realise the whole show is doomed...

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