Why would a successful, wealthy, published author and high ranking university professor want to commit suicide?
She said she tried twice.
Why?
“Because I was obsessed with my own mediocrity, isn’t that why everyone wants to end their life”?
“No, definitely not.” I replied.
Then she asked why I was so chronically hopeless, and giggled as she mentioned that she was kicked out of the zen center.
I answered, “Well because I hunger for justice. I was born into really unfortunate circumstances, and I’ve never been able to find a way to push myself through the ranks of society. I can’t break out of the working class rut. I’m a marginalized tarot fool. Class consciousness is a real bummer. Bending the stick isn’t working for me. What is to be done?”
She replied, “But you’re a published artist, your stuff is all over the web, technically you’re not even an outsider artist”.
I had to explain to her that 99% of the traffic on my website comes from robots and that my paintings don’t sell.
“Yeah I guess that does suck,” she agreed.
And then she went on to talk about the burdens of success, and how she spends most of her time questioning whether or not she deserves the privilege of making money as an artist.
She paid me for the massage and gave me a copy of her recent “published” book as I walked out the door.
